I think I might be back, but I am not really sure and can't promise anything....

So, I kissed Jillian goodbye for a while (did you notice?) and lived my life in freedom from the "look" she gives her minions when they exercise.  I thought to myself, "I don't need no stinkin Jillian in my life".

You know how it goes when a break up happens?  Well, that's been me.  I have sneered at exercise equipment in the stores and talked about it behind it's back ("check out that mat!  seriously?  yoga is so yesterday.").  I actually buried her CD case in a pile of junk so I didn't have to see her smiling face anymore.  Once, I dusted my hand-weights... and let me tell you, I don't dust often.  I've had deep fried pickles and corn dogs to my heart's content down at the ole' pronto pup and even given the 30 Day Shred back to it's original owner, stamped "thanks for the memories...not". 

Then, after slogging around town for a good 20 days, I prostituted myself out to other exercise DVD's.  Don't get me wrong... I wasn't necessarily exercising.  I like to call it: exercising my options, experimenting a little, taking some risks.  That's when I met Barry, from "Barry's Bootcamp".  How to describe Barry?... how about chauvinistic piece of ego stuffed in a chemically enhanced botox suit?  He basically walked around the set ogling the jiggling booty he surrounded himself with, while stroking his over-inflated sense of self.  He was, how do I say it? ... a prick. 

Then, I tried "Dance off the Inches: Cardio Hip Hop".  Jennifer Galardi takes us through a 20 minute, dance step guide then throws them all together in a mixed salad of embarrassment.  If I can find a way to video tape myself trying to dance hip hop (sans the audio recording option to keep this blog "family friendly") I will.  It'll go viral, for sure.  I am that bad.

All this to say... I had it good with Jillian.  I miss Jillian. 

"Hey Jillian, this is Marla.  I was, um, just wondering, ya know, if you want me back?"

Dear Jillian...

Dear Jillian -
I just wanted to tell you how much I have really appreciated your workout video, 30 Day Shred.  I am currently on day 20 and am looking forward to day 31.

I also wanted to apologize for the mean and nasty things I have said about you under my breath and through my clenched teeth.  If you happened to hear comments like shut up, kiss my butt, take your hand weights and shove them down your throat, etc,  please find it in your heart to forgive me.  If you might have heard words that sounded like: itch, bass turds or sit, please recognize that a good hard workout brings out the worst in me sometimes.

I am telling you this because today I decided to take the EASY way out by climbing the tower initiative at the camp I am attending.  Never in the last 20 days has your workout caused me to hug a splintered post for dear life, blister my fingers until they bleed, or cause me to lose functioning in my fingers and forearms.  You have never left me with the firm belief that one false move will lead to post workout vomiting.  I look forward to moving to cycle 3 tomorrow and getting the rest I need from todays break from the 30 day shred.  I will never complain about your video again, as long as we both shall live.

Sincerely,
Marla

The things you do for love

It's day 19 and I am still plugging away through Jillian's video.  There is no airconditioning in my room, so I am basically dripping every ounce of hydration out of my body as I rip new muscles and shred some pounds.  Although the pop cans are a bit lighter than my hand weights, they still add some resistance, and I've managed to McGyver a great athletic bra substitute.

However, I find it difficult to exercise while at camp.  There is a part of me that says, "Cha!  No way!"  I have to WALK every where I go and I'm a good quarter mile from the camp ground that I serve on (it's up hill, too!).  Somedays I actually have to RUN around in the field playing games with campers and tomorrow I will probably have to CONQUER the climbing tower.  My room is on the second floor, so you KNOW I am chiseling some new muscles every time I CLIMB those steps.  Plus, I do SQUATS all day because they make us sit on the floor!  Seriously, why should I exercise???  (hopefully, you can hear the sarcasm in my voice).

But, then I consider the food.  Yesterday, we had to eat pizza rolls and pretzels stuffed with cheddar cheese for lunch!  This morning was bread pudding with frosting for breakfast and "walking taco's" for lunch - that's a bag of Doritos, with meat, cheese, lettuce, salsa and sour cream mixed in.  OMG.  We had twizzlers and pringles for snack and strawberry shortcake and s'mores for desert.  I really don't want to eat all this food... it's a sacrifice I must make for the good of the campers.  It wouldn't be fair for me to bring my own fresh fruits and vegetables, while they have to suffer with junk.  I don't think I am going to be losing weight this week, but that's because I have decided to take one for the team.  

Going commando

Ok - so I have to make this fast.  I am currently working for the week at a camp as a chaplain for the staff and kids, but I promised I would bring Jillian with me so I could keep up with the whole exercise thing.  So, I snuck away from the campers this morning and got my video out, inserted it into my Mac and clicked "play".  That's when I discovered the things I forgot to pack.  "Pick up your hand weights", Jillian says.  Oops.  No hand weights.  That's ok, because I remembered to pack Mountain Dew with me... I just grabbed a couple of cans and put them to work as hand weights.  "Ok! Get to the mat for our abs workout", Jillian says.  Oops.  No mat.  That's ok because this room happens to be carpeted.  Of course, it's about 50 years old and God only knows what kinds of critters are living and dying in it.  "Ok!  Time for jumping jacks", Jillian says.  Crap.  I forgot to pack a sports bra and I don't want to soil my good bras with sweat.  That's ok, I'll just go commando.

That, my friends, was where everything went wrong.  Now I understand the phrase "that's when everything went south".  Don't go global on me and interpret that phrase to mean that the Southern parts of the world are all wrong.  I am just talking about things that used to be up are now down, or things that used to be higher are now lower.  Thats all I'm saying.

I wonder if this camp has any duct tape I can borrow.

The art of procrastination

It's been a hard couple of days in the realm of my exercise life.  You wouldn't believe how long I can procrastinate before finally getting onto the ole' horse again.  It's so silly when I think about it.  The exercise routine is only 20 minutes long.  I can be on the other side of exercise in just 20 short minutes!  Yet, instead of getting it out of the way first thing in the morning, I find hours, HOURS, I TELL YA, of things to do before exercising!  It's not that I busy myself with meaningless twitter.  I am a busy girl with a long to-do list.  For instance, I am going out of town this week (Jillian is coming with me.... doggonit) and have much to do to prepare for being gone.  I have talks to write, a sermon to prepare, gear to pack, kids to ship to in-laws, dog / cat / bunny / house-sitters to arrange and cleaning to do.  But, if I have to be honest, I have spent some time on less meaningful activities.  For instance, I can spend a good 20 minutes just looking for hairs to pluck off my face.  I also admit to having stared at the ceiling, or the floor depending on my position, for minutes at a time while lost in thought.  Heck!  Getting my exercise gear on can take a good two or more hours if I intersperse the task with other things, like clipping toe-nails or changing laundry loads.  Matter of fact, I am procrastinating right now!  I haven't exercised yet, but I told myself I am going to do it as soon as I am done typing this blog.  I guess that means I should sign off and get jiggling.  Speaking of jiggling, I should probably make some jello quick before I get started so it has time to setup.  I guess that means I should head to the store and buy some first, but I don't have much gas so I will have to stop at the gas station on the way out....

There I go again.

A call for help

It's day 14.

It's also day 4 of cycle two.

I am ready to phone it in and quit.

I am discouraged because I am not seeing the results I want to see and am not feeling the results I want to feel.  I know it's still early, but I need SOMETHING to get me to the next day.

Anyone have any words of encouragement for me?  Please.

Misery loves company

A couple of years ago I joined my good friend, Chris, at a volleyball tournament in Reno, NV.  If you haven't been there, Reno is known as a little Las Vegas; providing multiple ways to take people to the edge of "safe" and push them off.  Some people take gambling risks, while others take risks relationally.  Chris wanted to take a physical risk by being hoisted three stories backwards into the air, until she was level with the flimsy bar her cord was attached to, then essentially sent flying through the air like superman.  I guess the best way to describe this crazy contraption is to imagine a 3 story high swing set and being given the biggest underdog of your life. 

Since misery loves company, Chris was exceptionally motivated to convince me to join her on this swing set, in the dark of night, three stories in the air.  Realizing that our friendship was on the line, and since she had really good solutions for all my arguments against going, I joined her on the swing.   

Although we both practically peed our pants in flight and in fright, in the end we were really proud we did it.  The best part, is that we shared the experience and will always remember that we did it together.

What's this have to do with exercising?   For the last 10 days, my husband, Tim, has been (relatively :) faithfully joining me in my exercising.  When I complained about sore muscles, he felt my pain quite literally.  When I couldn't get up off the floor at the end of the routine, he was able to empathize with me.   This morning my husband went out of town and I exercised without him.  It was harder than I expected to get through the DVD.  There was no one to commiserate with, and no one to encourage, or to be encouraged by.  

Misery loves company.  It's true.  But it's not because we wish misery on others.  Chris didn't want me to suffer on the swing and I don't want Tim to hurt from the exercise nazi.  It's because, when we are together, even misery can be a blessing.

The effect of exercise on weight loss

I've finally figured it out.  The real reason people who exercise also lose weight is NOT because they are burning a gazillion calories.  It's NOT that they are eating less carbs or fatty foods.  It's not even because they had a surgery they won't admit to.  I used to believe those were the reasons that exercisers lost weight, but I couldn't reconcile those theories with the fact that muscle weighs more than fat.  If exercising builds muscle, then exercising would irrefutably lead to WEIGHT GAIN!  (I've always had a strong proclivity toward exposing conspiracy theories).  The real reason is that, at the end of the workout, exercisers have no strength left to prepare a meal.  The thought of lifting a fork to their mouth exacerbates the PTSD caused by excessive hand-weight exposure.  Getting from the post-workout prostrate position on the floor to the post-post-workout prostrate position on the bed is nearly impossible.  Some, who will remain unnamed, have taken to sleeping on their yoga mats.  We can conclude from this information that weight loss is not a direct result of exercising, but results from the temporary inability to engage the muscles necessary for preparing and inserting food into the mouth.  Therefore, due to muscle fatigue induced starvation, exercisers lose weight. 

That’s why I keep my potato chips next to my yoga mat.  They happen to be lightweight.  

The Medusa Affect

Can't type

Must breathe

I must confess that I skipped yesterday's workout.  But I AM NOT SORRY!  I needed it.  I can skip whenever I want.  I am over 18.  I don't answer to anyone but God and me, and God said give it a rest (see Genesis 2:2).  So, there, Smellian Michaels.  

Today, started day one of ten for cycle 2.  All I can say is "holy crap".

Do you remember the mythical creature, Medusa?   She had a seductive voice that coaxed people to look in her direction.  She  dripped with sweetness, luring her prey like kids to candy or men to Victoria's Secret commercials ("hello, bombshell").  Oh, yeah... did I mention that she had snakes for hair and if you made eye contact with her you were turned to stone?

Jillian Michaels has a similar talent in cycle 2.  For the first minute or two I was feeling good, stretching the familiar muscles from cycle 1.  All was well until... I made eye contact with her.  Her laser beams shot out from her eyes and scanned my entire body, head to toe, looking for muscles to punish.  You see, cycle 1 was just the bait to get us into the lair.  After the laser scanner (the same kind they use at the airport - the kind that exposes your every dimple), Medusa Michaels targets the weakest muscles in our bodies and pierces us with the venom of torturous evils disguised as "exercise".  Don't eat the apple, Snow White!  Stay away from the spindle, Sleeping Beauty!  Don't go into the castle, Shrek and Donkey!  

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will do my best to get back on the exercise wagon for another gut busting, bone bruising, heart pounding round of muscle misery.  But, I think I will keep my back to the screen... just in case.

This is getting old

This whole exercise thing is getting old, and I only started 10 days ago.  Looking for a little encouragement, I told my eccentric exercising friend, Jes, that I was struggling to exercise every day and she said "Oh, yeah!  My first month was horrible!"  Great to hear it, Jes.  Thanks.  Misery is an expectation.  I'm right on track.  Seeing the look of disappointment on my face, she tried to encourage me by adding "BUT... by month 5 it's GREAT!"  What?  Seriously?  5 months of this?  I only signed on for the 30 day Shred.  Nobody said ANYTHING about 5 months!

Speaking of getting old... my knees are getting old.  They keep creaking like a rusty bike chain or a rocking chair on an old wood floor.  My bobby's have a tendency to give me black eyes (Thanks for the imagery, Momma Jill VZ).  When I tuck in my shirt, I have to start by tucking in my belly awning.  That wasn't there when I was young.  And, I have chaffing in places that were never meant to touch.

Another thing that's getting old is the stinking video.  Tomorrow I get to move to the second exercise cycle.  It couldn't come soon enough.  I have started lip syncing Jillian when she talks to the camera and to her minions.  She affectionately refers to them as "buddy" - but she says it in a mob-boss kind of way. "Isn't that right, Buddy?", she says.  I can hear the undertone...."isn't that right, buddy?  say it's right or I'll introduce your head to my little friend called Hand-weight.  tell the listening audience how much you love to exercise, and nobody gets a high kick to the abs, got it?"

Ok, this post is getting old.  See ya next time.

The psychology of body image

Today, I feel a bit melancholy, so I thought I might share some of the thoughts that have brought me to this 30 day challenge.  Maybe this isn't true for everyone, but I find it so hard to actually 'love my body'.  When I was a teenager, I remember wishing my gut wasn't so big, and my butt was more round. I wanted knees that didn't turn in and a face without zits.  My top half was never perky enough, round enough, flat enough, big enough... whatever shape and size was the shape and size of the month.  I didn't love my body.  Now, as an adult, I want to return to that 'less than perfect' body size and shape that I had in high school.  It was great!  I could run.  I could jump and shoot hoops.  I could dive for a dig and soar for a kill (volleyball was my favorite sport).  I stacked a thousand hay bales in the summer and could saddle thirty horses in an hour and a half.  

This adult body I woke up with isn't mine... I mean, it's not really me.  I think someone stole my size 8 and replaced it with this size 12, 14, 18, 16.  I am a twelve in the legs, a fourteen around the thighs, an eighteen waist (curse you, waistline!) and a 16 chest.  I didn't see it coming and can't seem to find the thief responsible for it.  When I close my eyes, I see a woman who stands tall with her shoulders back and confidence in every freckle.  She isn't embarrassed by her reflection in the store windows she passes on her way to the next meeting, and she never has to untuck her shirt from the rolls of her belly.  That's the me on the inside.  

I guess this summer is a test.  This summer is a test to see if I can find the woman on the inside.  The one who loves her body.  No... that's not quite it.  The one who loves HERSELF.  

The power of a smile

It's day eight today.  Two more days of workout 1 and I get to advance to workout 2 of 3.  I've decided to divide the workouts into ten day increments, so that I spend the same amount of time in each.  Of course, that also means that I only have to count to 10 before starting over at 1.  That keeps it simple.  Trust me... counting gets tougher as we get sweatier.

I decided that today I would study the back row girls in the video and see what they had to offer me as encouragement.  Wouldn't you know, they both smiled through the WHOLE workout.  This wasn't just your average smile... this smile said "I am so content and relaxed!  This is so great!  Working out makes me happy!"  So, I tried it too.  Wouldn't you know... I couldn't keep up the appearance.  My smile only lasted about twenty seconds, and that was because I was thinking about the wedgie creeping up my butt and the possibility that those smiley girls in the video had major wedgies too.  That made me happy, but only for about 20 seconds.

In case you are wondering, tomorrow I am going on a field trip with my son.  We will be hiking 280 stairs to the top of Mt. Baldy.  If we don't get rained out, and actually have to climb those stairs, I want you to know that I am NOT, NO WAY NO HOW, doing this exercise video.  It ain't gonna happen.  If we get rained out (distinctly possible given the forecast), I will be back with Jillian and her smiley girls.

I don't know which is worse... should I pray for rain or sun?

Day 6... only 24 freakin miserable days left.

There are certain phrases that Jillian uses throughout her workout video that catch my imagination and cause me to think things that don't belong in an exercise routine.  For instance, when attempting to dissuade us from quitting, Jillian often says, "Don't phone it in."  I don't know what that means!  Phone what in?  Is she talking about take-out?  Is she talking about pizza...  from Pizza Hut, with extra crispy deep dish crust dripping with butter, cheese and pepperoni grease?  How am I suppose to stay committed to this dogone workout if she keeps talking about PIZZA!?!

Heres another example.  Jillian says "if you're on day 5, 6, 7, 8 you are already starting to see results!"  What?!?!  Seriously?  Just what kind of results is she expecting me to see?  Has the concave of my belly button reached less than a 1.5 inch depth yet?  Nope.  When I sit, do I still see a bulge over my pants like the edge of a hard-packed ice cream cone (with butter pecan and carmel in it, topped with chocolate sprinkles, in a waffle cone.... oh.  I digress)?  Yes - I still have the bulge.  Do my inner thighs still rub together when I walk?  YES, gall-darn-it!  YES.

If I am being honest, I must admit I do see some results.  I....
1)  Can no longer lift my leg high enough to step on to the bathroom scale.
2)  Must call the cleaners to wash the sweat smell from the couch I land on after working out.
3)  Am painfully more aware that my toes won't be touchable until the inner tube is gone, and
4)  Am choosing clothing to wear based on minimal effort required to get dressed.

Any words of wisdom out there?  I could use the encouragement.  Like I said, there are 24 flippin days left of this particular video and I can't see the end in sight.  Help me out a little, k?

Maybe we could meet up at a donut shop and talk :)

Just so no one accuses me of cheating :)

Ok.  Let me explain.  I started the 30 day Shred on May 25th.  It wasn't until the next day that I started blogging, after my second workout.  So, I am truly on day 5, even though this is only my fourth posting.  I am glad that you asked since I needed to keep track for my own records.  I can hardly keep track of my age, let alone the number of consecutive days in the shredder.

Speaking of shredder... it's interesting the Jillian chose the word SHRED rather than shed.  When I think of shred, I envision paper going into a skinny slit and coming out in pieces.  That happens every time I try to slip into my wedding dress, except it's the dress that comes out in pieces.  Of course, a word like "shed" is too soft for this trainer of steal.  Shedding is too easy.  Horses do it.  Dogs do it.  Cats do it.  Even snakes do it.  Jillian wouldn't want us to be mistaken, believing that exercising and losing weight are as easy as changing your underwear (although, this household of boys seems to think changing one's underwear is as impossible as getting the dirty ones into the hamper consistently).  No girly, soft, squishy words like "shedding" are allowed in this exercise video.  No, friends.  With Jillian as our captain, we shred our bodies into shape.  This serves to confirm my suspicion that she was the bully from my grade school years.  I thought I saw that 'evil-eyed' glare before.

Ok, it's time to hit the showers.  Last night, after a very long day followed by the longest twenty minutes of my life in the shredder, I skipped the shower and hit the pillow.  That means I have a filmy two-day layer of sweat and dirt on this body.  Better get the ajax.

Day 4... a good day

I have to say that today was a good day with Jillian Michaels and her 30 day Shred.  Don't get me wrong.  She kept true to her word.  She didn't hold back any punches and literally kicked me in the butt (ok, well, I kicked me in the butt but Jillian made me do it).  I still prayed that God would make it stop with every jiggle of my belly fat, but TODAY I had some comic relief.

My husband macho'ed up and decided to "support" my efforts by joining me.  He started out really strong and made it all the way through the one minute of jumping jacks with hardly a groan.  By the time we got through jumping rope and stomach crunches he was asking if it was over yet.  It reminded me of a long car trip with the kids:  "Are we there yet?  When are we going to be there?  I have to pee!  Caleb is touching me!"  Blah blah blah.  Yada, yada, yada.

When we made it to the half way mark, the censors started beeping.  Without quoting him directly (I want to keep this blog family friendly) my studly husband was looking like he might be in need of a good cry.  He suspiciously stationed himself on the floor, behind the couch, out of the view of both the T.V. and me to do his ab exercises.  I kinda felt like a paramedic.  "Stay with me, Tim!  Don't go into the light!"

By the end of the exercise, from his seemingly permanent prostrate position on the floor, the brain muscles were kicking into gear for my dear hubby.  "The problem", he said "is that this video is made for a woman and it doesn't fit a man's physique and muscular structure.  If this had been a manly exercise DVD, I'd have done much better."

All I have to say is... Today, I won.  Cha ching.  It's a good day.

sweat makes typing slippery

As I am typing this entry, my muscles are quaking. The last two days I held my pee as long as possible so I could avoid having to stoop my body down to the toilet seat while trying not to fall in. I can feel the ache from my ankles to my tongue, which makes me wonder... was I sticking my tongue out while I was exercising? I can just imagine the neighbors peeking through the windows while I am exercising, laughing as I seemingly lick the air and bounce the floor boards.

By the way, I forgot to mention my starting weight. Right now I am at 220 lbs. I wonder if I can find a more flattering way to post that... how about 100 kg. That's better.

Do you remember pushing out your first baby with your husband at your side, spouting off commands and affirmations as you silently screamed profanities at him? "Shut up, you sack of testosterone! You haven't a clue!" "Say that one more time and I'm going to yank your nose hairs into a comb-over!" He is such a dear for staying by your side, but maybe he should just keep his mouth shut and keep the cream puffs coming.

Or maybe you had a female coach who walked into the room with multi-folded wallet pics of the six babies she gave birth to (at home, in the bathtub) and the sixteen baby bottle shaped pins on her jean dress representing all the babies she "brought" into the world as a birthing coach?

Sometimes a video exercise trainer is like a birthing coach. Either they have never acknowledged the insanely high metabolism they were born with, which is like the encouraging father who sees giving birth as a tough time on the toilet, OR they are masochists who worked insanely hard to get to the shape they are in, like the olympic procreator who thinks everyone should feel her pain for the love of baby-makers everywhere.

Just so you know, I don't think that ALL trainers are like this. I am just saying that by the end of the work out, when the sweat is dripping into my vision and the stench clouds the room, I tend to PERCEIVE them with more contempt than before. That's all I am saying.

Before I go, I just want to give a special shout out to my friend Amy, who kindly bought me a donut this morning. I think she's afraid that she'll lose her status as my BBBBF (see post 1).

That girl.... (entry 1)

You know that girl who had a bbbbf (beautiful, bone-thin, busty, best friend) all through middle school and high school that served as a means to an end for all her potential boy friends? You know... the girl who played sports because she happened to be good at it, but never uttered the dreaded "That felt great!" after busting her butt doing wind-sprints? She is the one who only broke a sweat because she had to ... never because it felt good (ewww). That girl is me.

I am the girl who knows she's got some pounds to shave, but never lets it stop her from one more Krispy Kreme donut. I am the girl who used to host the exercise groups at her own home because her friends knew she wouldn't come to the exercise... the exercise had to come to her. I truly believe that parking my car an extra spot away from the restaurant entrance entitles me to dip my fries in ranch dressing instead of ketchup. And, I am the girl who has found a million and one reasons to NOT exercise in the last two years. Yup. That's me.

So, before starting the exercise video called "30 Day Shred" with the nazi of all sickly smiley body-builder trainers, Jillian Michaels (even her name sounds masochistic), I thought I would start a blog and beg and plead with friends and strangers to show me support and keep me going. Jillian says I can lose UP TO 20 POUNDS IN 30 DAYS!!!!! (insert echoed monster-truck voice). I don't expect to lose 20 pounds in 30 days, but I also don't expect to succeed without a little help from my friends... and strangers. , This size 18 body could stand to lose any pounds willing to jump ship. Swim for shore, cellulite. This girl is getting serious.

It's you and me, Jillian. Bring it.