The sweaty version of me

The sweaty version of me
let's face it... exercise isn't pretty, especially when the bouncing stops after you do.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

I think I might be back, but I am not really sure and can't promise anything....

So, I kissed Jillian goodbye for a while (did you notice?) and lived my life in freedom from the "look" she gives her minions when they exercise.  I thought to myself, "I don't need no stinkin Jillian in my life".

You know how it goes when a break up happens?  Well, that's been me.  I have sneered at exercise equipment in the stores and talked about it behind it's back ("check out that mat!  seriously?  yoga is so yesterday.").  I actually buried her CD case in a pile of junk so I didn't have to see her smiling face anymore.  Once, I dusted my hand-weights... and let me tell you, I don't dust often.  I've had deep fried pickles and corn dogs to my heart's content down at the ole' pronto pup and even given the 30 Day Shred back to it's original owner, stamped "thanks for the memories...not". 

Then, after slogging around town for a good 20 days, I prostituted myself out to other exercise DVD's.  Don't get me wrong... I wasn't necessarily exercising.  I like to call it: exercising my options, experimenting a little, taking some risks.  That's when I met Barry, from "Barry's Bootcamp".  How to describe Barry?... how about chauvinistic piece of ego stuffed in a chemically enhanced botox suit?  He basically walked around the set ogling the jiggling booty he surrounded himself with, while stroking his over-inflated sense of self.  He was, how do I say it? ... a prick. 

Then, I tried "Dance off the Inches: Cardio Hip Hop".  Jennifer Galardi takes us through a 20 minute, dance step guide then throws them all together in a mixed salad of embarrassment.  If I can find a way to video tape myself trying to dance hip hop (sans the audio recording option to keep this blog "family friendly") I will.  It'll go viral, for sure.  I am that bad.

All this to say... I had it good with Jillian.  I miss Jillian. 

"Hey Jillian, this is Marla.  I was, um, just wondering, ya know, if you want me back?"

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Dear Jillian...

Dear Jillian -
I just wanted to tell you how much I have really appreciated your workout video, 30 Day Shred.  I am currently on day 20 and am looking forward to day 31.

I also wanted to apologize for the mean and nasty things I have said about you under my breath and through my clenched teeth.  If you happened to hear comments like shut up, kiss my butt, take your hand weights and shove them down your throat, etc,  please find it in your heart to forgive me.  If you might have heard words that sounded like: itch, bass turds or sit, please recognize that a good hard workout brings out the worst in me sometimes.

I am telling you this because today I decided to take the EASY way out by climbing the tower initiative at the camp I am attending.  Never in the last 20 days has your workout caused me to hug a splintered post for dear life, blister my fingers until they bleed, or cause me to lose functioning in my fingers and forearms.  You have never left me with the firm belief that one false move will lead to post workout vomiting.  I look forward to moving to cycle 3 tomorrow and getting the rest I need from todays break from the 30 day shred.  I will never complain about your video again, as long as we both shall live.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The things you do for love

It's day 19 and I am still plugging away through Jillian's video.  There is no airconditioning in my room, so I am basically dripping every ounce of hydration out of my body as I rip new muscles and shred some pounds.  Although the pop cans are a bit lighter than my hand weights, they still add some resistance, and I've managed to McGyver a great athletic bra substitute.

However, I find it difficult to exercise while at camp.  There is a part of me that says, "Cha!  No way!"  I have to WALK every where I go and I'm a good quarter mile from the camp ground that I serve on (it's up hill, too!).  Somedays I actually have to RUN around in the field playing games with campers and tomorrow I will probably have to CONQUER the climbing tower.  My room is on the second floor, so you KNOW I am chiseling some new muscles every time I CLIMB those steps.  Plus, I do SQUATS all day because they make us sit on the floor!  Seriously, why should I exercise???  (hopefully, you can hear the sarcasm in my voice).

But, then I consider the food.  Yesterday, we had to eat pizza rolls and pretzels stuffed with cheddar cheese for lunch!  This morning was bread pudding with frosting for breakfast and "walking taco's" for lunch - that's a bag of Doritos, with meat, cheese, lettuce, salsa and sour cream mixed in.  OMG.  We had twizzlers and pringles for snack and strawberry shortcake and s'mores for desert.  I really don't want to eat all this food... it's a sacrifice I must make for the good of the campers.  It wouldn't be fair for me to bring my own fresh fruits and vegetables, while they have to suffer with junk.  I don't think I am going to be losing weight this week, but that's because I have decided to take one for the team.  

Monday, June 14, 2010

Going commando

Ok - so I have to make this fast.  I am currently working for the week at a camp as a chaplain for the staff and kids, but I promised I would bring Jillian with me so I could keep up with the whole exercise thing.  So, I snuck away from the campers this morning and got my video out, inserted it into my Mac and clicked "play".  That's when I discovered the things I forgot to pack.  "Pick up your hand weights", Jillian says.  Oops.  No hand weights.  That's ok, because I remembered to pack Mountain Dew with me... I just grabbed a couple of cans and put them to work as hand weights.  "Ok! Get to the mat for our abs workout", Jillian says.  Oops.  No mat.  That's ok because this room happens to be carpeted.  Of course, it's about 50 years old and God only knows what kinds of critters are living and dying in it.  "Ok!  Time for jumping jacks", Jillian says.  Crap.  I forgot to pack a sports bra and I don't want to soil my good bras with sweat.  That's ok, I'll just go commando.

That, my friends, was where everything went wrong.  Now I understand the phrase "that's when everything went south".  Don't go global on me and interpret that phrase to mean that the Southern parts of the world are all wrong.  I am just talking about things that used to be up are now down, or things that used to be higher are now lower.  Thats all I'm saying.

I wonder if this camp has any duct tape I can borrow.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

The art of procrastination

It's been a hard couple of days in the realm of my exercise life.  You wouldn't believe how long I can procrastinate before finally getting onto the ole' horse again.  It's so silly when I think about it.  The exercise routine is only 20 minutes long.  I can be on the other side of exercise in just 20 short minutes!  Yet, instead of getting it out of the way first thing in the morning, I find hours, HOURS, I TELL YA, of things to do before exercising!  It's not that I busy myself with meaningless twitter.  I am a busy girl with a long to-do list.  For instance, I am going out of town this week (Jillian is coming with me.... doggonit) and have much to do to prepare for being gone.  I have talks to write, a sermon to prepare, gear to pack, kids to ship to in-laws, dog / cat / bunny / house-sitters to arrange and cleaning to do.  But, if I have to be honest, I have spent some time on less meaningful activities.  For instance, I can spend a good 20 minutes just looking for hairs to pluck off my face.  I also admit to having stared at the ceiling, or the floor depending on my position, for minutes at a time while lost in thought.  Heck!  Getting my exercise gear on can take a good two or more hours if I intersperse the task with other things, like clipping toe-nails or changing laundry loads.  Matter of fact, I am procrastinating right now!  I haven't exercised yet, but I told myself I am going to do it as soon as I am done typing this blog.  I guess that means I should sign off and get jiggling.  Speaking of jiggling, I should probably make some jello quick before I get started so it has time to setup.  I guess that means I should head to the store and buy some first, but I don't have much gas so I will have to stop at the gas station on the way out....

There I go again.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A call for help

It's day 14.

It's also day 4 of cycle two.

I am ready to phone it in and quit.

I am discouraged because I am not seeing the results I want to see and am not feeling the results I want to feel.  I know it's still early, but I need SOMETHING to get me to the next day.

Anyone have any words of encouragement for me?  Please.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Misery loves company

A couple of years ago I joined my good friend, Chris, at a volleyball tournament in Reno, NV.  If you haven't been there, Reno is known as a little Las Vegas; providing multiple ways to take people to the edge of "safe" and push them off.  Some people take gambling risks, while others take risks relationally.  Chris wanted to take a physical risk by being hoisted three stories backwards into the air, until she was level with the flimsy bar her cord was attached to, then essentially sent flying through the air like superman.  I guess the best way to describe this crazy contraption is to imagine a 3 story high swing set and being given the biggest underdog of your life. 

Since misery loves company, Chris was exceptionally motivated to convince me to join her on this swing set, in the dark of night, three stories in the air.  Realizing that our friendship was on the line, and since she had really good solutions for all my arguments against going, I joined her on the swing.   

Although we both practically peed our pants in flight and in fright, in the end we were really proud we did it.  The best part, is that we shared the experience and will always remember that we did it together.

What's this have to do with exercising?   For the last 10 days, my husband, Tim, has been (relatively :) faithfully joining me in my exercising.  When I complained about sore muscles, he felt my pain quite literally.  When I couldn't get up off the floor at the end of the routine, he was able to empathize with me.   This morning my husband went out of town and I exercised without him.  It was harder than I expected to get through the DVD.  There was no one to commiserate with, and no one to encourage, or to be encouraged by.  

Misery loves company.  It's true.  But it's not because we wish misery on others.  Chris didn't want me to suffer on the swing and I don't want Tim to hurt from the exercise nazi.  It's because, when we are together, even misery can be a blessing.