Dear Jillian...

Dear Jillian -
I just wanted to tell you how much I have really appreciated your workout video, 30 Day Shred.  I am currently on day 20 and am looking forward to day 31.

I also wanted to apologize for the mean and nasty things I have said about you under my breath and through my clenched teeth.  If you happened to hear comments like shut up, kiss my butt, take your hand weights and shove them down your throat, etc,  please find it in your heart to forgive me.  If you might have heard words that sounded like: itch, bass turds or sit, please recognize that a good hard workout brings out the worst in me sometimes.

I am telling you this because today I decided to take the EASY way out by climbing the tower initiative at the camp I am attending.  Never in the last 20 days has your workout caused me to hug a splintered post for dear life, blister my fingers until they bleed, or cause me to lose functioning in my fingers and forearms.  You have never left me with the firm belief that one false move will lead to post workout vomiting.  I look forward to moving to cycle 3 tomorrow and getting the rest I need from todays break from the 30 day shred.  I will never complain about your video again, as long as we both shall live.

Sincerely,
Marla

The things you do for love

It's day 19 and I am still plugging away through Jillian's video.  There is no airconditioning in my room, so I am basically dripping every ounce of hydration out of my body as I rip new muscles and shred some pounds.  Although the pop cans are a bit lighter than my hand weights, they still add some resistance, and I've managed to McGyver a great athletic bra substitute.

However, I find it difficult to exercise while at camp.  There is a part of me that says, "Cha!  No way!"  I have to WALK every where I go and I'm a good quarter mile from the camp ground that I serve on (it's up hill, too!).  Somedays I actually have to RUN around in the field playing games with campers and tomorrow I will probably have to CONQUER the climbing tower.  My room is on the second floor, so you KNOW I am chiseling some new muscles every time I CLIMB those steps.  Plus, I do SQUATS all day because they make us sit on the floor!  Seriously, why should I exercise???  (hopefully, you can hear the sarcasm in my voice).

But, then I consider the food.  Yesterday, we had to eat pizza rolls and pretzels stuffed with cheddar cheese for lunch!  This morning was bread pudding with frosting for breakfast and "walking taco's" for lunch - that's a bag of Doritos, with meat, cheese, lettuce, salsa and sour cream mixed in.  OMG.  We had twizzlers and pringles for snack and strawberry shortcake and s'mores for desert.  I really don't want to eat all this food... it's a sacrifice I must make for the good of the campers.  It wouldn't be fair for me to bring my own fresh fruits and vegetables, while they have to suffer with junk.  I don't think I am going to be losing weight this week, but that's because I have decided to take one for the team.  

Going commando

Ok - so I have to make this fast.  I am currently working for the week at a camp as a chaplain for the staff and kids, but I promised I would bring Jillian with me so I could keep up with the whole exercise thing.  So, I snuck away from the campers this morning and got my video out, inserted it into my Mac and clicked "play".  That's when I discovered the things I forgot to pack.  "Pick up your hand weights", Jillian says.  Oops.  No hand weights.  That's ok, because I remembered to pack Mountain Dew with me... I just grabbed a couple of cans and put them to work as hand weights.  "Ok! Get to the mat for our abs workout", Jillian says.  Oops.  No mat.  That's ok because this room happens to be carpeted.  Of course, it's about 50 years old and God only knows what kinds of critters are living and dying in it.  "Ok!  Time for jumping jacks", Jillian says.  Crap.  I forgot to pack a sports bra and I don't want to soil my good bras with sweat.  That's ok, I'll just go commando.

That, my friends, was where everything went wrong.  Now I understand the phrase "that's when everything went south".  Don't go global on me and interpret that phrase to mean that the Southern parts of the world are all wrong.  I am just talking about things that used to be up are now down, or things that used to be higher are now lower.  Thats all I'm saying.

I wonder if this camp has any duct tape I can borrow.

The art of procrastination

It's been a hard couple of days in the realm of my exercise life.  You wouldn't believe how long I can procrastinate before finally getting onto the ole' horse again.  It's so silly when I think about it.  The exercise routine is only 20 minutes long.  I can be on the other side of exercise in just 20 short minutes!  Yet, instead of getting it out of the way first thing in the morning, I find hours, HOURS, I TELL YA, of things to do before exercising!  It's not that I busy myself with meaningless twitter.  I am a busy girl with a long to-do list.  For instance, I am going out of town this week (Jillian is coming with me.... doggonit) and have much to do to prepare for being gone.  I have talks to write, a sermon to prepare, gear to pack, kids to ship to in-laws, dog / cat / bunny / house-sitters to arrange and cleaning to do.  But, if I have to be honest, I have spent some time on less meaningful activities.  For instance, I can spend a good 20 minutes just looking for hairs to pluck off my face.  I also admit to having stared at the ceiling, or the floor depending on my position, for minutes at a time while lost in thought.  Heck!  Getting my exercise gear on can take a good two or more hours if I intersperse the task with other things, like clipping toe-nails or changing laundry loads.  Matter of fact, I am procrastinating right now!  I haven't exercised yet, but I told myself I am going to do it as soon as I am done typing this blog.  I guess that means I should sign off and get jiggling.  Speaking of jiggling, I should probably make some jello quick before I get started so it has time to setup.  I guess that means I should head to the store and buy some first, but I don't have much gas so I will have to stop at the gas station on the way out....

There I go again.

A call for help

It's day 14.

It's also day 4 of cycle two.

I am ready to phone it in and quit.

I am discouraged because I am not seeing the results I want to see and am not feeling the results I want to feel.  I know it's still early, but I need SOMETHING to get me to the next day.

Anyone have any words of encouragement for me?  Please.

Misery loves company

A couple of years ago I joined my good friend, Chris, at a volleyball tournament in Reno, NV.  If you haven't been there, Reno is known as a little Las Vegas; providing multiple ways to take people to the edge of "safe" and push them off.  Some people take gambling risks, while others take risks relationally.  Chris wanted to take a physical risk by being hoisted three stories backwards into the air, until she was level with the flimsy bar her cord was attached to, then essentially sent flying through the air like superman.  I guess the best way to describe this crazy contraption is to imagine a 3 story high swing set and being given the biggest underdog of your life. 

Since misery loves company, Chris was exceptionally motivated to convince me to join her on this swing set, in the dark of night, three stories in the air.  Realizing that our friendship was on the line, and since she had really good solutions for all my arguments against going, I joined her on the swing.   

Although we both practically peed our pants in flight and in fright, in the end we were really proud we did it.  The best part, is that we shared the experience and will always remember that we did it together.

What's this have to do with exercising?   For the last 10 days, my husband, Tim, has been (relatively :) faithfully joining me in my exercising.  When I complained about sore muscles, he felt my pain quite literally.  When I couldn't get up off the floor at the end of the routine, he was able to empathize with me.   This morning my husband went out of town and I exercised without him.  It was harder than I expected to get through the DVD.  There was no one to commiserate with, and no one to encourage, or to be encouraged by.  

Misery loves company.  It's true.  But it's not because we wish misery on others.  Chris didn't want me to suffer on the swing and I don't want Tim to hurt from the exercise nazi.  It's because, when we are together, even misery can be a blessing.

The effect of exercise on weight loss

I've finally figured it out.  The real reason people who exercise also lose weight is NOT because they are burning a gazillion calories.  It's NOT that they are eating less carbs or fatty foods.  It's not even because they had a surgery they won't admit to.  I used to believe those were the reasons that exercisers lost weight, but I couldn't reconcile those theories with the fact that muscle weighs more than fat.  If exercising builds muscle, then exercising would irrefutably lead to WEIGHT GAIN!  (I've always had a strong proclivity toward exposing conspiracy theories).  The real reason is that, at the end of the workout, exercisers have no strength left to prepare a meal.  The thought of lifting a fork to their mouth exacerbates the PTSD caused by excessive hand-weight exposure.  Getting from the post-workout prostrate position on the floor to the post-post-workout prostrate position on the bed is nearly impossible.  Some, who will remain unnamed, have taken to sleeping on their yoga mats.  We can conclude from this information that weight loss is not a direct result of exercising, but results from the temporary inability to engage the muscles necessary for preparing and inserting food into the mouth.  Therefore, due to muscle fatigue induced starvation, exercisers lose weight. 

That’s why I keep my potato chips next to my yoga mat.  They happen to be lightweight.  

The Medusa Affect

Can't type

Must breathe

I must confess that I skipped yesterday's workout.  But I AM NOT SORRY!  I needed it.  I can skip whenever I want.  I am over 18.  I don't answer to anyone but God and me, and God said give it a rest (see Genesis 2:2).  So, there, Smellian Michaels.  

Today, started day one of ten for cycle 2.  All I can say is "holy crap".

Do you remember the mythical creature, Medusa?   She had a seductive voice that coaxed people to look in her direction.  She  dripped with sweetness, luring her prey like kids to candy or men to Victoria's Secret commercials ("hello, bombshell").  Oh, yeah... did I mention that she had snakes for hair and if you made eye contact with her you were turned to stone?

Jillian Michaels has a similar talent in cycle 2.  For the first minute or two I was feeling good, stretching the familiar muscles from cycle 1.  All was well until... I made eye contact with her.  Her laser beams shot out from her eyes and scanned my entire body, head to toe, looking for muscles to punish.  You see, cycle 1 was just the bait to get us into the lair.  After the laser scanner (the same kind they use at the airport - the kind that exposes your every dimple), Medusa Michaels targets the weakest muscles in our bodies and pierces us with the venom of torturous evils disguised as "exercise".  Don't eat the apple, Snow White!  Stay away from the spindle, Sleeping Beauty!  Don't go into the castle, Shrek and Donkey!  

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will do my best to get back on the exercise wagon for another gut busting, bone bruising, heart pounding round of muscle misery.  But, I think I will keep my back to the screen... just in case.

This is getting old

This whole exercise thing is getting old, and I only started 10 days ago.  Looking for a little encouragement, I told my eccentric exercising friend, Jes, that I was struggling to exercise every day and she said "Oh, yeah!  My first month was horrible!"  Great to hear it, Jes.  Thanks.  Misery is an expectation.  I'm right on track.  Seeing the look of disappointment on my face, she tried to encourage me by adding "BUT... by month 5 it's GREAT!"  What?  Seriously?  5 months of this?  I only signed on for the 30 day Shred.  Nobody said ANYTHING about 5 months!

Speaking of getting old... my knees are getting old.  They keep creaking like a rusty bike chain or a rocking chair on an old wood floor.  My bobby's have a tendency to give me black eyes (Thanks for the imagery, Momma Jill VZ).  When I tuck in my shirt, I have to start by tucking in my belly awning.  That wasn't there when I was young.  And, I have chaffing in places that were never meant to touch.

Another thing that's getting old is the stinking video.  Tomorrow I get to move to the second exercise cycle.  It couldn't come soon enough.  I have started lip syncing Jillian when she talks to the camera and to her minions.  She affectionately refers to them as "buddy" - but she says it in a mob-boss kind of way. "Isn't that right, Buddy?", she says.  I can hear the undertone...."isn't that right, buddy?  say it's right or I'll introduce your head to my little friend called Hand-weight.  tell the listening audience how much you love to exercise, and nobody gets a high kick to the abs, got it?"

Ok, this post is getting old.  See ya next time.

The psychology of body image

Today, I feel a bit melancholy, so I thought I might share some of the thoughts that have brought me to this 30 day challenge.  Maybe this isn't true for everyone, but I find it so hard to actually 'love my body'.  When I was a teenager, I remember wishing my gut wasn't so big, and my butt was more round. I wanted knees that didn't turn in and a face without zits.  My top half was never perky enough, round enough, flat enough, big enough... whatever shape and size was the shape and size of the month.  I didn't love my body.  Now, as an adult, I want to return to that 'less than perfect' body size and shape that I had in high school.  It was great!  I could run.  I could jump and shoot hoops.  I could dive for a dig and soar for a kill (volleyball was my favorite sport).  I stacked a thousand hay bales in the summer and could saddle thirty horses in an hour and a half.  

This adult body I woke up with isn't mine... I mean, it's not really me.  I think someone stole my size 8 and replaced it with this size 12, 14, 18, 16.  I am a twelve in the legs, a fourteen around the thighs, an eighteen waist (curse you, waistline!) and a 16 chest.  I didn't see it coming and can't seem to find the thief responsible for it.  When I close my eyes, I see a woman who stands tall with her shoulders back and confidence in every freckle.  She isn't embarrassed by her reflection in the store windows she passes on her way to the next meeting, and she never has to untuck her shirt from the rolls of her belly.  That's the me on the inside.  

I guess this summer is a test.  This summer is a test to see if I can find the woman on the inside.  The one who loves her body.  No... that's not quite it.  The one who loves HERSELF.  

The power of a smile

It's day eight today.  Two more days of workout 1 and I get to advance to workout 2 of 3.  I've decided to divide the workouts into ten day increments, so that I spend the same amount of time in each.  Of course, that also means that I only have to count to 10 before starting over at 1.  That keeps it simple.  Trust me... counting gets tougher as we get sweatier.

I decided that today I would study the back row girls in the video and see what they had to offer me as encouragement.  Wouldn't you know, they both smiled through the WHOLE workout.  This wasn't just your average smile... this smile said "I am so content and relaxed!  This is so great!  Working out makes me happy!"  So, I tried it too.  Wouldn't you know... I couldn't keep up the appearance.  My smile only lasted about twenty seconds, and that was because I was thinking about the wedgie creeping up my butt and the possibility that those smiley girls in the video had major wedgies too.  That made me happy, but only for about 20 seconds.

In case you are wondering, tomorrow I am going on a field trip with my son.  We will be hiking 280 stairs to the top of Mt. Baldy.  If we don't get rained out, and actually have to climb those stairs, I want you to know that I am NOT, NO WAY NO HOW, doing this exercise video.  It ain't gonna happen.  If we get rained out (distinctly possible given the forecast), I will be back with Jillian and her smiley girls.

I don't know which is worse... should I pray for rain or sun?